'Landlord! said I, 'what sort of a chap is he- does he always keep such late hours?' It was now hard upon twelve o'clock.The landlord chuckled again with his lean chuckle, and seemed to be mightily tickled at something beyond my comprehension. 'No,' he answered, 'generally he's an early bird- airley to bed and airley to rise- yes, he's the bird what catches the worm. But to-night he went out a peddling, you see, and I don't see what on airth keeps him so late, unless, may be, he can't sell his head.' 'Can't sell his head?- What sort of a bamboozingly story is this you are telling me?' getting into a towering rage. 'Do you pretend to say, landlord, that this harpooneer is actually engaged this blessed Saturday night, or rather Sunday morning, in peddling his head around this town?' 'That's precisely it,' said the landlord, 'and I told him he couldn't sell it here, the market's overstocked.' 'With what?' shouted I.'With heads to be sure; ain't there too many heads in the world?' 'I tell you what it is, landlord,' said I quite calmly, 'you'd better stop spinning that yarn to me- I'm not green.' 'May be not,' taking out a stick and whittling a toothpick, 'but I rayther guess you'll be done BROWN if that ere harpooneer hears you a slanderin' his head.'
'I'll break it for him,' said I, now flying into a passion again at this unaccountable farrago of the landlord's.
'It's broke a'ready,' said he.
'Broke,' said I- 'BROKE, do you mean?'
'Sartain, and that's the very reason he can't sell it, I guess.'
'Landlord,' said I, going up to him as cool as Mt. Hecla in a snow-storm- 'landlord, stop whittling. You and I must understand one another, and that too without delay. I come to your house and want a bed; you tell me you can only give me half a one; that the other half belongs to a certain harpooneer. And about this harpooneer, whom I have not yet seen, you persist in telling me the most mystifying and exasperating stories tending to beget in me an uncomfortable feeling towards the man whom you design for my bedfellow- a sort of connexion, landlord, which is an intimate and confidential one in the highest degree. I now demand of you to speak out and tell me who and what this harpooneer is, and whether I shall be in all respects safe to spend the night with him. And in the first place, you will be so good as to unsay that story about selling his head, which if true I take to be good evidence that this harpooneer is stark mad,and I've no idea of sleeping with a madman; and you, sir, YOU I mean, landlord, YOU, sir, by trying to induce me to do so knowingly, would thereby render yourself liable to a criminal prosecution.'
'Wall,' said the landlord, fetching a long breath, 'that's a purty long sarmon for a chap that rips a little now and then. But be easy, be easy, this here harpooneer I have been tellin' you of has just arrived from the south seas, where he bought up a lot of 'balmed New Zealand heads (great curios, you know), and he's sold all on 'em but one, and that one he's trying to sell to-night, cause to-morrow's Sunday, and it would not do to be sellin' human heads about the streets when folks is goin' to churches. He wanted to, last Sunday, but I stopped him just as he was goin' out of the door with four heads strung on a string, for all the airth like a string of inions.'
This account cleared up the otherwise unaccountable mystery, and showed that the landlord, after all, had had no idea of fooling me- but at the same time what could I think of a harpooneer who stayed out of a Saturday night clean into the holy Sabbath, engaged in such a cannibal business as selling the heads of dead idolators?
Depend upon it, landlord, that harpooneer is a dangerous man.'
'He pays reg'lar,' was the rejoinder. 'But come, it's getting dreadful late, you had better be turning flukes- it's a nice bed; Sal and me slept in that ere bed the night we were spliced. There's plenty of room for two to kick about in that bed; it's an almighty big bed that. Why, afore we giveit up, Sal used to put our Sam and little Johnny in the foot of it. But I got a dreaming and sprawling about one night, and somehow, Sam got pitched on the floor, and came near breaking his arm. Arter that, Sal said it wouldn't do. Come along here, I'll give ye a glim in a jiffy;' and so saying he lighted a candle and held it towards me, offering to lead the way. But I stood irresolute; when looking at a clock in the corner, he exclaimed 'I vum it's Sunday- you won't see that harpooneer to-night; he's come to anchor somewhere- come along then; DO come; WON'T ye come?'
I considered the matter a moment, and then up stairs we went, and I was ushered into a small room, cold as a clam, and furnished, sure enough, with a prodigious bed, almost big enough indeed for any four harpooneers to sleep abreast.
'There,' said the landlord, placing the candle on a crazy old sea chest that did double duty as a wash-stand and centre table; 'there, make yourself comfortable now, and good night to ye.' I turned round from eyeing the bed, but he had disappeared.
Excerpt from The Master and Margarita
- Mikhail Bulgakov
Excerpt from The Sandman
- E. T. A. Hoffmann