In his book, Matthew Hussey - relationship expert, matchmaker, and star of the reality show Ready for Love - reveals the secrets of the male mind and the fundamentals of dating and mating for a ...(more)
I'm not a mind reader, but I do have quite a bit of experience hearing directly from women some common complaints about men that simply are not true. I want to share a collection of stubborn myths about guys and love that refuse to go away. These mad and bad beliefs do you no good and only hold you back:
There are no good men out there ("All the men I meet are either gay, taken, or weird").
Guys only want someone hotter and prettier than me.
Guys don't like women who approach them first.
Guys only want a low-maintenance woman, not someone who will challenge them.
Guys don't want to commit, they only want casual flings and sex.
Every single one of these is a myth. Sadly, they are not only false, but they are dangerous to hold on to and often become excuses for all that is wrong in your love life.
Most of us have had painful experiences in love. It's one of life's biggest, most unforgettable experiences. Love hurts, as the song says. But when we have been let down by someone, we have to be careful not to let that experience, however awful, become our sole reference point for future relationships.
I'll make you a deal. If you set aside all the myths and generalizations, if you set aside whatever bad experiences you may have had with men and refuse to allow them to color your judgment, I will reveal to you all the facets and secrets of the male mind, the good, the bad, and all the things he desires from the woman in his life.
The Philosophy of the Funnel
Now that you are committed to expanding your options by meeting a lot more men, I am going to offer a proven system, a method to all of this man-meeting. It is a process best visualized as a series of funnels.
The first funnel is the largest, into which you pour al the new men you meet. (We'll get to the part about how you are going to meet all these new men in a few pages...stay with me.) The funnel acts as a filter, and only the guys you're attracted to pass through to the second funnel.
The second funnel then filters out all the guys you don't want to date. These would be the guys who may seem attractive at first glance, but you don't have any immediate chemistry with them for you to want to make real time for them. Only those guys you're genuinely interested in spending time with drop into the third funnel. Of those, only a select few will pass into the fourth funnel, those who are worth more than just one date. Of course the final filtering will result in finding the guy with whom you want a relationship. We will dig into that process in the second and third parts of the book. For now, we are simply getting you to the place of opportunity.
The process is clear and obvious, but there is one important principle I want to emphasize: the first funnel is where we are least selective. The first funnel is not about attraction. It is about meeting new people, both men and women.
The first funnel is about getting out there. It's about joining the human race. It's about practicing conversation and flirting. It's about interacting and entertaining and allowing ourselves to be entertained. Out into the world you go, with the goal of meeting as many guys as possible, so that you have more guys to pour into the first funnel.
Pouring only three guys into that first funnel makes it highly unlikely that the right guy will come out the end. Pouring in every guy who doesn't strike you as a potential serial killer makes your chances much higher that at the end the right one will emerge.
Part of the reason you're tossing every guy into the first funnel is to create the habit of giving a lot of guys a chance, early on. Most of us are so focused on meeting The One that we wind up not meeting anyone. If I could, I would tattoo this on your palm: every interaction with another human being is a possible gateway to some new world or experience, which could, in turn, introduce you to the love of your life.
There are other good reasons to meet as many men as you can:
Abundance, not scarcity.
When you meet lots of men, you put less focus on any one man. Approaching your love life from a position of abundance rather than scarcity helps to put the odds in your favor. It is making simple economics work for you.
As much as you might be agonizing over one guy, always remember, men are 50 percent of the population. You are not the luckiest woman in the world when you meet one you like, and you aren't the unluckiest woman in the world when the guy you like doesn't like you back. Scarcity makes us settle. If you believe that there aren't many good guys out there, you'll invest far too much in the first decent man you do meet, even if he's far from being the right one. Abundance, on the other hand, leads to choice and confidence. Abundance comes when we start increasing the number of men going into that first funnel. As soon as you heartily believe that there are plenty of men out there, you can adopt an easy come, easy go attitude and begin to have fun with all of this.
Creating new habits
Make a habit of talking to new people. It will do wonders for increasing your basic social skills, which will in turn boost your confidence. You will find yourself creating attraction simply by becoming more at ease engaging with someone you don't know or whom you've just met. This happens simply by doing it more often, and applies not only for men but for anyone at al : women, children, young and old. If you are in the habit of meeting more people in general, it will by default lead you to meet more men. Why do you think you revert back to a being a blushing, nervous schoolgirl when that hot guy approaches you? Because you're out of practice. You can't instantly summon your best, most confident self for the hot guy if you've never developed your skills by talking to everyone.
Because you're choosing
The more new men you meet, the more you'll have to choose from. This will allow you to be selective. We should all be extremely fussy when it comes to love. The person you spend most of your time with, are intimate with, share your life with, and whom you trust the most needs to be extraordinary for you specifically. There are extraordinary people everywhere, but it will take some filtering to find that certain someone who fills your particular needs and desires. Logically, then, to find that special person, you will need to increase your chances of success by meeting many men.
The idea of treating our love life like a large filter system might not seem like the most romantic approach to the dating process, but as we've seen, leaving it to fate also leaves us with no sense of agency in our lives. The fact that we can apply workable strategies to create the results we want doesn't make our love, once we find it, any less real, meaningful, sexy, or romantic.